


#buckybottoms

by neversaydie



Series: "Disney did what?!" - a real Avengers, fake MCU series [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes & Clint Barton Friendship, Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Friendship, Bucky Barnes vs the Internet, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Drinking, M/M, Multimedia, Porn, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Sam Wilson vs the Trauma Twins, Satire, Social Media, Team Bonding, Twitter, booty shorts, crop tops, real avengers fake MCU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 23:12:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7408936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neversaydie/pseuds/neversaydie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There's a porn parody?!"</p><p>"A gay porn parody." Sam adds, because he figured it was probably in his best interests to bite the bullet and get this over with as quickly as possible once he discovered the video's existence. </p><p>"Fucking sweet." Bucky throws himself half over the back of the couch, almost tumbling to the floor on his ass before he catches his balance and yells into the kitchen. "Steve, make popcorn!"</p><p>"Make your own goddamn popcorn!"</p><p>"We're gonna watch porn!"</p><p>"Oh, cool." Steve's tone changes to mildly interested. "I'll make it salted."</p><p>[the gang discover and watch the Cap gay porn parody, drink pre-mixed mojitos, and tweet about the internet's heteronormative portrayal of top/bottom dynamics. while they can still spell heteronormative, that is.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	#buckybottoms

**Author's Note:**

> For cabloom, for smiles. 
> 
> Also @borkyberns is Steve's URL. He did not choose it himself.

"There's a porn parody?!"

Bucky is _delighted_ by this information, clearly. Sam flops down in a nearby armchair in the team's main living room, noting the salmon short-shorts and bedazzled crop top Bucky's currently sporting with weary resignation. Did he just come back from Pride? Or does he just dress like that? Who can tell these days?

"A gay porn parody." Sam adds, because he figured it was probably in his best interests to bite the bullet and get this over with as quickly as possible once he discovered the video's existence. If Barnes found it on his own then the fallout could be disastrous, and he doesn't want to have to go one _more_ mandated PR training about internet use.

Disastrous like the fallout Barnes is almost getting from those booty shorts, actually. Sam grimaces and repositions himself so he can't get an accidental flash of nutsack. All his friends are getting underwear for their birthdays this year, this is the nineteenth time he's had to see unrequested genitals since January and he doesn't need that in his life.

"Fucking sweet." Bucky throws himself half over the back of the couch, almost tumbling to the floor on his ass before he catches his balance and yells into the kitchen. "Steve, make popcorn!"

"Make your own goddamn popcorn!" A chunk of what looks like bagel flies out of the kitchen and Bucky catches it, popping it in his mouth and chewing obnoxiously while he yells back through it.

"We're gonna watch porn!"

"Oh, cool." Steve's tone changes to mildly interested. "I'll make it salted."

"That's my boy." Bucky grins, opening Snapchat to make a video. The rest of the team have added him and Steve again after they signed a literal contract to stop posting amateur porn to their stories. "There's a Captain America porn parody. We're watching in the common room. You have three minutes to get here. Also Steve's making popcorn. Bring beer. Bye!"

"You guys are weird, you know that?" Sam texts Natasha to _please come save him_ from their weirdest teammates. "Does watching porn have to be a team bonding event?"

"What else are we gonna do, play softball?" Bucky's tongue is sticking out the corner of his mouth as he fiddles with his phone, getting the screen to show up on the huge, wall-mounted TV. He's way too into technology since he got back in the world, Sam can just about get Netflix up there and he's had nearly thirty years to acclimatise to this stuff.

"Ooh, we should play team softball!" Steve calls from the kitchen. Bucky rolls his eyes expansively, because voluntary physical activity is one hundred percent off his list of things to do these days. If it doesn't end in an orgasm, that is.

"Fucking nerd." He mutters, making a triumphant noise when he gets the TV synced up. "Alright, send me the link."

Sam does, god help him, and reminds himself again that this is the lesser of evils. He hopes.

"Why don't I get a porn parody?" Natasha saunters into the room a moment later with Clint in tow, tossing them both little pouches of something cold before flopping down on one of the other couches. Clint tries to join her and gets shoved unceremoniously onto the floor, because she wants and deserves all the legroom she can get.

"You were in the Avengers one. Let me have my moment." Bucky whines, turning the pouch over in his hands curiously. "What the fuck is this?"

"Ready-made cocktail. Just tear the corner off and you've got a frozen mojito." Nat is already pouring hers into one of the coffee mugs Clint is holding out. They're trash twins and Sam loves them for it.

"Oh my _god_." That inspires total awe from Barnes, apparently, and Sam isn't going to admit that it's kind of endearing how excited he gets about this futuristic shit. "Steve! We got astronaut food!"

"What's that?" He wanders in and sits down next to Bucky with an obscenely large bowl of popcorn, catching the pouch Natasha throws him from the cooler she's dumped on the floor. "I thought people were bringing beer?"

"Quit being so fucking _masc_." Bucky snorts and starts sucking his mojito straight out of the packet. He's also complete trash and Sam loves him quite a bit less for it. "You love cocktails."

"I just don't like mint that much." Steve shrugs, passing the mojito to his boyfriend when he sees he's nearly sucked the first packet dry already. "Tastes like toothpaste."

"Pina colada?" Clint digs in the cooler and holds up the yellow packet questioningly. Steve makes grabby hands and nearly spills the popcorn all over the floor when he makes a shit job of catching this one. He's still a big, uncoordinated puppy that doesn't realise it's grown up sometimes.  

"Alright! Everyone has booze, I have popcorn, and it looks like nobody else is showing up to this shitfest. We're good to go. JARVIS, hit the lights." Bucky tears open his next packet of cocktail and slurps it unattractively before he hits play on the porn video that's now fully loaded. "C'mon internet, make daddy proud."

"Are you gonna call yourself _daddy_ through this whole thing? Is that a thing now?" Clint doesn't sound like he objects all that much, though. Sam exchanges a Look with Nat because this is the last new meme anyone on the team needs. John Cena nearly caused an international incident, last time.

"Nah pumpkin, that was a special treat just for you." Bucky blows him a kiss as the titles roll and Steve elbows him in the ribs _way_ harder than he needs to because he's a possessive prick at the best of times. Bucky smacks a wet, cold kiss to his stubbly cheek to pacify him, and the Natasha throws her empty cocktail packet at them.

"No making out during the porn, house rules."

Bucky hisses something back in Russian and gets another elbow to the ribs to make him pipe down. Clint tosses out a couple more cocktails (nearly hitting Sam in the _face_ because he's not _prepared_ , thanks asshole) and they finally settle down as the 'acting' portion of the video starts.

" _You're my best friend_." Steve echoes in a stupidly high-pitched voice, nuzzling his face nauseatingly into Bucky's neck until his boyfriend gags and pushes him away.

It pretty much all goes to shit from there.

"See, they use condoms!" Bucky jabs his finger at the screen when the actual fucking starts, glaring at Steve accusingly. Sam really wishes he had thought to bring beer, because Barnes gets screechy when he's a few drinks in and he'd prefer to take the edge off having to hear even _more_ details about their sex life.

"They're porn stars. They have to." Steve shoves some popcorn in his mouth to shut him up, and Bucky grumbles through the mouthful until he can speak again.

"The amount of times I've ruined my drawers because you couldn't be bothered to grab—"

"The people you work with are _right here_." Clint points out, squawking indignantly when Bucky leans over him to steal the cooler entirely.  

"Don't call this _work_. We're watching porn of ourselves and drinking in the middle of the day." Bucky skips forward a few minutes, because not-Steve's fake moans are a little pitchy for his liking. Not that he's even slightly aroused by this, because it's just weird to watch a budget version of your own relationship play out with your friends and co-workers.

Ten minutes in, and not-Steve is _still_ getting fucked.

"I told you the world thinks Captain America is a bottom."

"It's not like I _don't_ though." Steve protests, holding out the bowl of popcorn so Sam can take some before he hoovers up the whole thing. "I just don't like it as much as you."

"I thought if I could rely on the internet's heteronormative interpretation of top-bottom dynamics for _one thing_ it'd be getting dicked in my own porno." Bucky sighs expressively, looking slightly perturbed when he realises his friends are looking at him and not the screen. "What?! I read!"

"You read the back of the cereal box and on the shitter. At _best_." Sam raises his eyebrows sceptically and Bucky flicks his wrist at him like that actually _communicates_ anything.

Seriously, they're going to have to impose a two-drink limit on super soldiers next time.

"I'm gonna read _you_ in a minute, bird boy."

"You watch too much _Drag Race_."

"Is there such a thing as too much?" Bucky pouts when he only gets the finger in reply, turning back to the screen where not-Bucky is jackhammering into not-Steve who's squatting over his lap. Porn looks exhausting, he needs another drink just _watching_ it. "At least my guy's ripped."

Another fifteen minutes and an extensive round of shit-giving in and they're nearing the end of the video. Not-Steve is _still_ the only one who's got any dick the entire time, much to Barnes' disgust.

"Do I seriously not get fucked at all in this?!" Bucky tosses one of the last pieces of popcorn into his mouth morosely, if that's at all possible. "I'm disappointed."

"You should make a complaint." Sam deadpans, slightly pleased with himself because this whole incident definitely went a lot more smoothly than it would have if Barnes found the video on his own time. There hasn't been a PR fiasco over it, at least.

"Strongly worded letter." He nods, then his eyes light up and he grabs his phone off the arm of the couch. "Ooh, no, Twitter!"

There hasn't been a PR fiasco over it _yet_ , Sam corrects himself.

"Please don't post us watching porn to the internet." Steve sighs, at the exact same moment as Clint pipes up:

"Make a poll: who thinks Bucky should get boned? Trend it."

Bucky raises his hand as if he's being asked an actual question and giggles, fully occupied with his Twitter account and leaning further and further off the edge of the couch as Steve tries to grab his phone away.

"How d'you spell heteronormative?" Bucky tips his head upside down to ask Natasha, who just stares back at him incredulously until he frowns and pushes himself upright again. "Wait, too many characters."

"Get off the internet, Barnes. You're drunk." Sam can't be bothered to object too much, though. He's a couple of toothpaste-tasting cocktails in, he's just watched porn with a bunch of people he's not sleeping with, and it's too damn hot to give a crap about their _public image_ right now.

"No, _you_ get off the internet!" Bucky sticks his tongue out as he squints at his screen. "I'm gonna wear my _eat ass like you mean it_ shirt to our next press conference."

"Please don't do that." Steve scrubs a hand over his face. He looks to Sam for assistance, because as the only sober person left in the room he _guesses_ he should at least attempt to be Team Dad right now, but Sam just shakes his head. It's too late for responsibility now.

"Why not?! That guy ate ass like he hated it, that weird stabby tongue ain't gonna do the job. I got my reputation on the line here!" Bucky pushes himself back from Steve's last attempt to take his phone away and finally rolls off the couch, landing half on Clint and sending them both into a heap on the floor. "That was attempted murder!"

"Put the Avengers parody on now." Nat calls out, pouring another shitty cocktail into her mug and totally ignoring the carnage cuddle pile occurring at her feet. "I think there's a new one, too."

Sam sinks down in his chair and starts looking for the link while Steve goes to make another bowl of popcorn and Clint and Bucky squabble about attempted murder on the carpet. If he can't beat them, he might as well join them.


End file.
